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I went shopping for slipcovers for my sofas today. I know, I lead a very wild life–shopping for slipcovers on a Tuesday afternoon. Bear with me.

First, I didn’t realize that there are a minimum of three different types of slipcovers. I just assumed there was one basic design for different sized sofas. I was wrong. I found the one that looked easiest, most comfortable, and came in a color I liked. But I noticed something odd.

Sofa Throw Covers.

Now, if you’re like me, you’re thinking “Throw? Like a throw blanket or a throw pillow?” Yeah like that, only it’s a slip cover. Look:

It’s just a giant blanket you put over your sofa and exert a lot of energy into tucking and adjusting, just so it can slide around every time someone sits on it and stands back up.

I can only assume that some slipcover company decided that people thought only prissy people use slipcovers (those of us with hand-me-down furniture notwithstanding) and decided that they HAD TO FIND A WAY TO SELL THEIR SHIT TO THESE PEOPLE.

If I worked in the marketing department of this company, and they said “How do we sell slipcovers to people who think don’t like slipcovers?” I’d say, “We don’t. That’s not our demographic”, and then I’d sip a martini (that’s what people in marketing do, right?).

But someone said “How do we sell slipcovers to people who think slipcovers are only for prissy people?” And someone else jumped out of their seat and said “I’VE GOT IT! We design a slipcover that will never really stay on the sofa, and may actually be more difficult to use, and we’ll call it a sofa throw. And they’ll think of throw pillows and throw blankets which are just damn comfy.”

And that person got a bonus for that. For making a giant blanket that does the same thing as a slipcover, just not as well, and marketing it to people who don’t buy slipcovers.

I don’t know whether to admire the guy or worry about where our country is headed.

 

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